Category Archives: The Opposite of Romance

Overly Obsessed With Harry Potter

I just wanted to share the conversation I had via text messaging with a good friend/former roommate the other day while I was at work.

It’s about Harry Potter.  Here it is. Verbatim.

Me: Oh my god there are Weasley look-a-likes in the restaurant! The one who looks like the twins even has on a striped scarf!

Former roommate: KIDNAP THEM FOR ME!!!!!!!!!!

FR: But he has glasses, so maybe he’s more of a Percy.  The kid with him is totally a Charlie.  And I will try to kidnap them; they’re very tall!

FR: Percy was taller than the twins!

Me: Totally a Percy, then. I want them!

Me: I’m creepily staring at them. Decided it’s Percy and a cross between Ron and Charlie.

FR: Just ask the parents if you can have them!

Me: No parents around. Percy looks our age and they’re out on a brother-date! So fucking cute.

FR: ASK PERCY ON A DATE FOR ME!!!!!

Me: I can’t just go up to Percy Weasley and ask him on a date for you!

FR: …Yes you can!!!!!

Me: Oh my god he even does the looking over the rim of his glasses thing I pictured Percy doing when he was a prefect!

FR: PLEEEEEEEEEEASE! unless charlie is near our age. Then him.

Me: The more I stalk him the more Ron he becomes.

Me: Ron is about half a foot taller than Percy.  But looks about 17. Percy looks in his early 20s.

FR: But I want ron!

Me: I think he’s talking about a college course now. He may be at least 18.

Me: Spoiler alert: they don’t have British accents.

FR: Did you ask them out for me?

Me: No. I’m sorry…

FR: Our friendship is over.

Me: I’m sorry. But you can’t just go up to the Weasleys and ask them out!

FR: YES YOU CAN!

Me: NO YOU CAN’T! YOU COULD MAYBE DO THAT TO NEVILLE OR LUNA OR CRABBE AND GOYLE. MAYBE EVEN HERMIONE. BUT DEFINITELY NONE OF THE WEASLEYS!

Three hours later…

FR:  Still mad at you.

Me: Sorry…

FR: It’s too late to apologize…

Me: I’m so sorry. Celebrities intimidate me.

FR: Jerk!

The next day, after me telling her I’m (joke) mad at her about something…

FR: Listen. I’m still mad about the Weasley incident.

Me: I’m sorry. Maybe I’ll see them again.

FR: If you see them again and don’t ask them out for me this friendship is OVER!

Me: I’ll never let a Weasley look-a-like pass by without me harassing them again!

FR: I’m glad you’ve learnt your lesson.

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Filed under Good Times with good people, I'm making fun of me, It's my fault I'm so goddamn awkward, Let the Lameness Roll, So Damn Excited, The Opposite of Romance

This Day Needs to Die a Slow, Painful Death

So I really hate Valentine’s Day.

I’m extremely uncomfortable with any public form of romance (beyond the occasional quick kiss or one arm around the shoulder), and Valentine’s Day seems to be an excuse for people to walk around flaunting their couple-dom.

I also hate that those in relationships are expected to spend money just because of the day. Not okay. Do it because you really want to and feel like it, not because it’s Valentine’s Day.

I’ll admit I’m a little bitter. Curly-haired crush is still very far away (and we’re not officially a couple – we just know we will be when we’re finally in the same country again).

I’ve only been in a relationship on Valentine’s Day once, and it was with someone I didn’t actually like very much.

Maybe someday when I experience this horrible holiday with somebody I really love I’ll understand all the fuss, but for now I’m just going to sit around and be angry and annoyed at all the people who dare to look cute and happy in a restaurant or walking down the street just because it’s February 14th.

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Filed under The Opposite of Romance

Dinner Rules and Dating

I don’t particularly care for putting labels on relationships.

It just isn’t important to me.

But with Curly-haired crush abroad, and a different interest around, they would be nice.

Socially constructed rules for how you interact with another person seem ridiculous, but they’re kind of nice. They give you guidance on how to behave.

Kind of like that silly rule about always passing food to the right at the dinner table. Seems unnecessary, but it’s awkward when you’re the one who has two dishes meet you at once. It prevents accidents (because I’m clumsy and always drop one of the dishes when in that situation).

It’s shit, but very useful shit.

I want to be at a point where I don’t feel the need for these rules.

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Filed under The Opposite of Romance

Drinking Solves Everybody’s Problems

Curly-haired Crush moved to Spain today.

She’ll be there for several months.

I feel like shit.

The best solution is probably to get drunk.

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Filed under The Opposite of Romance

New Year’s Eve

I’ve been wearing a onesie lately.

For warmth.

It’s bad. Really bad.

Thermal. White. there’s a butt flap. It buttons up.

Just bad.

On New Year’s Eve, I wore it in public. Only the onesie, not anything over or underneath. This is what happens when I drink.

But I’m so smooth, that despite wearing what is possibly the most unattractive piece of clothing in existence, I still got laid.

Oh, yeah.

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Filed under Good Times with good people, The Opposite of Romance

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Filed under Awkward Moments, Celebrations, The Opposite of Romance

You know the song “Smooth Operator”? That’s definitely not about me.

This weekend, in typical failing fashion, I had someone interested in me. I had the chance to make out with an extremely attractive young lady.

And I blew it.

Because I have no social skills.

Nothing dramatic happened, I just never made a move. And then spilled Taco Bell all over myself.

I’m not smooth.

Some people are silk, I’m gravel. Seriously, that smooth.

However, a friend compared me to communism and fascism. How they’re so different they’re almost similar. Maybe I’m so smooth, I’m not smooth.

Probably not really so.

Not at all.

Maybe next time she’s in town I won’t blow it.

But let’s be honest, I’m possibly the most awkward person alive. I probably will blow it.

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Filed under Awkward Moments, The Opposite of Romance