Tag Archives: i get no respect

Vampire? You?

So I’ve been on a major vampire kick lately.

I blame watching my first episodes ever of Buffy the Vampire Slayer all within a few days.

For the record, I don’t actually believe in vampires. I don’t think.

But that hasn’t stopped me from carrying a wooden stake around with me after dark. Even into the bar.

Or threatening both strangers and friends with it.

Or asking almost everyone I know if they’re a vampire.

Or closely monitoring the eating habits of my semi-nocturnal roommate.

People probably think I’m very strange.

It’s just you can never be too prepared.

Constant vigilance.

Advertisements

Leave a comment

Filed under I'm making fun of me, It's my fault I'm so goddamn awkward, My Strange Tendencies

I am One Badass Femme

I’m pretty proud of myself right now.

This weekend I climbed (scaled?) a bluff. With my bare hands. While wearing a skirt.

It really wasn’t that impressive of a bluff. Not completely vertical, and not that tall, probably 75 to 100 feet high. But I was in a mother-fucking skirt!

I get frustrated sometimes because I feel that, due to my ridiculously feminine appearance, people assume I’m a weakling. Nevermind that I’m nearly 6 feet tall and am built a little bit like a football player. I wear dresses, therefore I’m obviously helpless.

The more masculine person who is half my weight will obviously be better at physical labor. Obviously. (This is sarcasm, of course.)

But I’m still a bit on cloud 9. I climbed a bluff in a skirt.

I’m a super-femme.

I will start wearing a cape with my gown and heels.

Watch me.

Leave a comment

Filed under Simple Happy, Yes

Not Even the Nerds Want Me Now…

I just got stood up for a library date.

All time low?

Possibly.

Leave a comment

Filed under Chronically Single

This is why I don’t have a significant other

I was just eating dinner with my brothers, sister, mother, grandmother, and three of my cousins.

My youngest cousin, I think he’s nine, had made a really good cake for dessert. Like, reaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllly good. So good I wolfed down one piece and went back for seconds. But that’s not saying much because I don’t have much self-control to begin with.

But this cake was amazing.

As we were eating the cake, my mother told my cousin, “Women like a man who can cook.”

She then immediately turned to me, caught me dropping food out of my mouth as I frequently do, and said, “Men like a woman who can keep her food in her mouth.”

We then went on to have a discussion about why each single person at the table was still single. Nevermind that the median age was 15.

We determined the reason I’m single is because I eat two pieces of cake in the time it takes most people to eat one, and then eat the crumbs I drop off my shirt.

I think there’s more to it, but that’s a little depressing. I hope my single-dom isn’t solely due to my inability to eat neatly. That just seems cruel. I enjoy food to much to make sure it isn’t falling off my fork/out of my mouth while I eat.

Stupid manners.

Leave a comment

Filed under Accidentally Awkward, My family

Hot Days and Strange Parents

I’m sick of looking like a hobo.

Every day my outfit is either my work uniform or some version of gym short and a t-shirt or these really nasty cut-offs I use to do dirty work in.

So today I dressed up. Not a lot, but I’m in a dress.

Then my dad came into the kitchen, saw what I was wearing, and asked, “Why do you have a scarf around your neck on such a hot day?  Take it off.”

When I wouldn’t, he tried to sic the dog on me. 

Fortunately, our dogs don’t obey commands.

What kind of family do I belong to?

(I should note that when he tried to sic the dog on me it was mostly in jest-he’s not abusive.)

Leave a comment

Filed under My family

I’m Not so Hot at Making Jokes

I learned today that it is not really appropriate to make tapeworm jokes when you’re talking to someone you haven’t spoken to in years.  They won’t get it.

Then they’ll email you information about getting rid of tapeworms.

And you’ll have to explain that you don’t really have tapeworms.  And hope they’ll one day learn to shake your hand again.

Leave a comment

Filed under I'm making fun of you, It's my fault I'm so goddamn awkward

I Didn’t Really Pee My Pants, Really Truly

The other day I was made to go to my sister’s volleyball tournament. It was an all-day event, and for someone who barely passed gym and considers riding her bike to class sufficient exercise for the week, it was painful. And I was stuck there for several hours.

Within ten minutes of being there I was hit in the head by a stray volleyball. Half an hour later I got out my crossword puzzle. My mother and I struck a deal: I could work on my crossword while my sister was on the bench, and had to watch while she was in. I wasn’t completely faithful to this bargain, it’s really hard to watch 6 volleyball games when there are people in comas who are more athletic than you.

Eventually I had to go to the bathroom, as usually happens after serveral hours of sucking down rootbeers. I’m not a fan of public restrooms, but sometimes you just have to deal.

I have a really bad habit of leaning up against bathroom counters while I’m washing my hands. I just can’t seem to break it.

This occassionally leads to minor disasters.  Like this day.

I was wearing a skirt, I leaned against the bathroom counter, and got water all across my crotch region.

It really really looked like I peed my pants.  And I had to go outside.  And walk past a whole bleacher section worth of people.

I decided the best course of action was to hold my head up high, look people in the eye, and let them think what they wanted to.

This was very difficult to do when my mom’s best friend saw me for the first time in months and had to cover her laugh with her hand.  I knew what she thought.

And then my family laughed out loud.  And pointed.  And drew attention to it.

Awesome.  I’ve got to break this habit.

Leave a comment

Filed under Let the Lameness Roll, My family