Tag Archives: Sometimes I’m the dumbass

Clumsy

So Curly-haired Crush and I are sometimes more like five-year-olds on a playground than college students in a serious relationship.

She came over to my apartment to eat lunch today. We had fried egg sandwiches covered in delicious chili sauce.

 

Om nom nom. I eat this on everything. Even spaghetti.

 

And then I started chasing her around the apartment trying to kiss her. And she ran from me. Very first grade.

And when I was about to catch her, my foot caught on the hem of my pants and I fell. Hard.

A few moments later my roommate stuck her head out of her bedroom and informed me the force of my crash had made things fall off of her desk.

My knee is bruised.

I feel like I was much more graceful when I was five.

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Filed under Accidentally Awkward, Girlfriend, So Damn Excited

Apparently there IS such a thing as partying too hard

I had a fantastic Friday night.

Followed by a miserable Saturday. Not hung over, just congested, high fever. Whatever.

Took Saturday night off from drinking like a responsible person.

I wasn’t too upset by this because the Tuesday of finals week is the big night of the semester. Everyone goes out because there are never any finals scheduled on Wednesday.

So I was saving up.

Unfortunately, by Tuesday I wasn’t really feeling any better.

But, like the true champion I am, I decided to go out anyway. I mean, it’s Reading Day Eve.

It was a pretty fantastic night.

There were parties happening on almost every street corner.

Two of my roommates and I split a bottle of whiskey (on top of the random beers and margaritas I had consumed along the way).

I smoked probably half a pack of cigarettes. Maybe more.

There was so much dancing.

And, like the week before, I woke up miserable.

Except this time it was serious. I wasn’t just feverish and congested, I was coughing up blood.

I’ve heard that’s generally something you don’t want your body to do.

Fortunately, I got to the doctor today, got on some antibiotics, and am going to be fine.

But I may have learned an important lesson here. Don’t party while you’re sick.

On the other hand, it was such a good night.

Yeah, I would make the stupid decision again.

I’d party again.

Always.

Fuck my health.

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Filed under Celebrations, Good Times with good people, I'm making fun of me, Let the Lameness Roll, Things I don't like about the World, Under the Influence

Vampire? You?

So I’ve been on a major vampire kick lately.

I blame watching my first episodes ever of Buffy the Vampire Slayer all within a few days.

For the record, I don’t actually believe in vampires. I don’t think.

But that hasn’t stopped me from carrying a wooden stake around with me after dark. Even into the bar.

Or threatening both strangers and friends with it.

Or asking almost everyone I know if they’re a vampire.

Or closely monitoring the eating habits of my semi-nocturnal roommate.

People probably think I’m very strange.

It’s just you can never be too prepared.

Constant vigilance.

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Filed under I'm making fun of me, It's my fault I'm so goddamn awkward, My Strange Tendencies

Meeting New People

Last night I had a rather strange conversation with one of my new coworkers.

We’d talked a little bit throughout me working that day, but this was our first actual conversation.

Him: Can I ask you a few weird questions?

Me: Um, okay.

Him: How old are you?

Me: 23.

Him: Are you in school?

Me: Not right now.

Him: Have you worked other places in Kirksville.

Me: McDonald’s, Maritz, that’s it.

Him: Okay, thanks.

Me: Were you trying to figure something out?

Him: Yeah.

Awkward silence.

Him: I’ll explain. I’ve been talking to a girl named Sara online. She’s 23 and from here. And she looks just like you. We haven’t met yet. But I just texted her asking what she’s doing tonight and she said she was working until late.

Then I stupidly assumed that all people who meet online are doing it for dating purposes.

Me: Oh, it wasn’t me. And couldn’t have been…I’m not interested in men.

Him: Oh, it’s just friendship.

Me: Oh my god I’m so sorry.

Him: No, no. It’s okay.

Me: [Awkwardly hid my face and walked out of the room]

Later on we both apologized and things weren’t especially awkward. Although I’m not sure what he was apologizing for…

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Filed under Awkward Moments

Past Shenanigans

I usually like to write about things that have recently happened to me.

I like to keep it up-to-date.

But, as I have basically been snowed in for the past several days, with nobody else in the apartment, there haven’t really been opportunities for awkwardness.

I could write about watching three episodes of Star Wars in the past two days, most of the watching done without pants on, but that’s not so much awkward as…pathetic.

So, because I don’t have any recent material that’s any good, I’ll tell about one of the most awkward moments of my life.

This ridiculous night happened two years ago, while I was studying abroad in Ghana.

But even though it’s old, it’s totally worth sharing.

That night, I was hanging out with some friends at a club. There are three important things to remember about this night.

1) I was with one of my gay friends, and he was feeling very down about never getting a boyfriend. Also, being gay is illegal in Ghana. I was told if people were caught having homosexual sex, they’d be sent to jail.

2) I was still straight at the time. Pretty much completely straight.

3) I knew the owner of the club we were at, which meant I got to drink for free. And therefore was wasted.

At the club, there was a guy who was really into me. Really into me. Grinding on me and telling me how much he liked me.

Now, I wasn’t that into him, but Sad Gay Friend was interested, despite Horny Guy being straight.

So, in my drunken mindset, I decided that the thing to do, in order to make the night more enjoyable for everybody, was to let Horny Guy grind on me while Sad Gay Friend grinded (ground?) on him. Obviously the best option.

Well, that went on for a while.

Then we somehow moved to the women’s bathroom, and I was making out with Horny Guy while Sad Gay Friend continued to grind on him.

I was extremely extremely drunk at this point, so I didn’t really notice when Sad Gay Friend’s head crept around to the front of Horny Guy’s body.

And what might be happening didn’t register with me when Sad Gay Friend was on his knees between mine and Horny Guy’s bodies.

Until I felt his head there with my hand, and it came to me.

Sad Gay Friend was giving Horny Guy a blowjob.

While I made out with him.

But I still kept making out with Horny Guy.

It was his lucky night.

And that was my first unsuccessful threesome.

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Filed under Ghana

Unhappy

Know what’s really, truly uncomfortable?

When you’re in an argument on the phone and a person in the next room can hear the other end of the phone screaming at you.

That happened to me last night. Not good.

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Filed under Things I don't like about Myself, Things I don't like about the World, Uncategorized

Narcissism

So, I’ve recently had some Facebook pictures posted. The weird thing is, they’re pretty decent photos of me.

And I’m attracted to myself in them.

I didn’t even know that was possible.

There was one where I just went, “Man, look at those boobs.”

I’m such an odd person sometimes.

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Filed under Celebrations, I'm making fun of me, My Weird Moods, Things I don't like about Myself