Tag Archives: What Now?

What’s with me?

I’m an emotional wreck today.  I was fine, but then I let things get to me.

Last night I made out with a boy.  Fine and dandy.  Kissing and groping and whatnot.

Stupidly, I sent ex-girlfriend a drunken text.

Haha.  Now I’ve kissed someone since we broke up, too.

She’s been dating someone since a week after we broke up.  Maybe less, she didn’t give me exact time frames.

I’ve been fine with the breakup lately.  It’s over, it happened.  I don’t regret that it happened anymore.  But that she’s dating someone else already just makes me feel like I was only a distraction for her.  She was just wasting her time with me until something better came along.

I’ve never had great self-esteem.  And this has sent it plummeting through the floor.

Then, to add insult to injury, today the conversation escalated and she called me a whore.  Repeatedly.

And tell me how amazing her new woman is.

There’s nothing about your personality that I like.

It just brings up all these insecurities that I don’t have a good personality.  I already feel like people don’t like me.  I have zero charisma.  But I try so hard to be a good person.  And I hope other people can see that, but I wonder so often.

And she’s made me question everything good about myself.

Leave a comment

Filed under Absolutely zero charisma, Girlfriend, Lonely, Things I don't like about Myself, What Now?

Enough Already

I’m done being angry.  I’m done hating.  I’m ready to move on.

I just needed some time to just be crazy. 

I should go a little crazy more often.  But probably not at the expense of somebody’s emotions like this time.

Now I can focus on the friends I’ve been neglecting.

Side note, I also need to find an apartment for next semester.  Better get on that.  Stat.

Leave a comment

Filed under Things I don't like about Myself, What Now?, Yes

Breakups

She broke my heart and doesn’t care.

She says she just fell out of love with me.

There’s noone I can talk to about it because the relationship was a secret.

I’m so fucking depressed. I hate her for ever coming into my life.

Leave a comment

Filed under Chronically Single, Girlfriend, What Now?

Money Trouble

I’m not very good at managing money.  Pretty terrible, actually.  It’s incredibly frustrating.  I kick myself every time I mess up.

To make things worse, my banking statements are sent to my parents house. They know every little thing I buy and every time I mess up.  And I messed up pretty bad this time. Like, $200 in overdraft charges.  In addition to having concert tickets and a liquor store purchase on there.  The worst part is, when I’ve gone over, it’s been for several $2 and $3 purchases.  Stupid bank.

I hate that my parents read my bank statements, but they’re incredibly controlling.  I’m 22.  I’m going to graduate from college soon.  They’re probably going to read my banking statements until I’m 40 years old.

So now I’m refusing to answer my parents’ calls so I won’t be yelled at.  This is ridiculous.

The moral of this story is:  If you have ridiculously controlling parents, let them know early on that they don’t control your life.  Otherwise you’ll be afraid of your mother at the age of 22.

Leave a comment

Filed under Constant money problems, My family

Hey Jealousy

There’s really only one major bad thing that’s happened in my relationship with Girlfriend.  I know we’ve only been dating 5+ months, but that’s seriously the only thing.

What Girlfriend did was make out with another girl.  In my bed.  It was a while ago, probably 4 months ago.

But I can’t seem to get over it.  The girl she made out with is (supposedly) straight, and they were both very very drunk.  That was a night that four girls consumed an entire fifth of Jose Cuervo in my apartment.  But I still can’t get over it.

We’ve talked about it.  A lot.  Even still. For a while I thought I’d moved on.  I didn’t mind them.

But then Girlfriend and her Drunken Make-out talked about how awkward it was for them that they’d made out.  Now they’re great friends.

And I’m incredibly jealous.

The most difficult part is that I can’t explain to people why I hate Drunken Make-out, least of all her.  I have to pretend to be nice.  I shouldn’t hate her, but I do.

(For those who don’t read this blog, which is everyone, Girlfriend and I are not openly a couple.  I’m also not supposed to know that Girlfriend and Drunken Make-out made out.  Girlfriend told me, but DMO doesn’t know I know.)

Now I feel like every minor fight stems from my jealousy over this other person.

I realize how ridiculous it is to be jealous.  But every time Girlfriend speaks about DMO in any way that isn’t hateful, I get jealous.
I can’t even take jokes about them. I hate the thought of them being alone together.

And I want to thing that I’m ridiculous and silly for feeling like this.  But I know that if I really thought it was ridiculous, I would be able to convince myself not to feel this way.  I just want to think it’s ridiculous.

Hopefully it’ll wear off soon.  Or DMO will transfer schools.

1 Comment

Filed under Girlfriend, Things I don't like about Myself, What Now?

Nervous and Uncertain

It’s the end of the semester, and I am scared as shit.  I haven’t been doing spectacularly in all of my classes.  So now I’m scared I don’t know enough. 

It’s so bad I often feel nauseous, and this fear makes me not want to face my problems.  It’s a vicious cycle.

I’m shaking right now thinking about it.  And I don’t know what else to do.  I don’t know how to fix the problems I created.

This is really terrible, but sometimes I just wish a car would hit me while I cross the street.  Then I wouldn’t have to face everything.  Of course I don’t actually want this.  But being in the hospital would make my life so much easier.  Is it terrible that I’d choose severe pain and months, possibly years, of physical therapy, risk permanently damaging my body, so I wouldn’t have to deal with classes?

But that’s not going to happen, thank goodness.  I’m going to lock myself inside the library for the next few weeks and hope for the best.  And if my grades aren’t spectacular, it’s not the end of the world.  It’s just the rest of my life.  Graduation?  Psshhh.

Sometimes I don’t think I’m actually cut out for school, even though I was raised to be academic.

Leave a comment

Filed under Things I don't like about Myself, What Now?