I didn’t start the night out drinking alone. Not any of the past three nights I’ve finished the night drunk. I just keep drinking after the people leave, and then end up drunk and alone.
Last night was the most ridiculous. I’d already poured the drink, so of course I had to finish it. Nevermind that I’d only drank a third of if before my friend went home. But I absolutely had to finish it, I’d put good booze in there. Absolut. I’m not wasting that shit.
Anyways, my rather foolish decision to continue drinking, come hell or high water, ended in me wandering the streets of my town alone at 4:00 in the morning. On a Monday night/Tuesday morning.
I wandered around the alley behind Best Friend’s apartment to see if his light was still on.
I even relieved myself in an alley. Classy.
I don’t know if I was pathetic or awesome. I like to think it was a combination of the two.
My new goal is not to drink alone for the rest of the week. Notice I will drink with other people, and I can start drinking alone again come next week. Just no drinking alone this week.
I set such high standards for myself.
I’m an emotional wreck today. I was fine, but then I let things get to me.
Last night I made out with a boy. Fine and dandy. Kissing and groping and whatnot.
Stupidly, I sent ex-girlfriend a drunken text.
Haha. Now I’ve kissed someone since we broke up, too.
She’s been dating someone since a week after we broke up. Maybe less, she didn’t give me exact time frames.
I’ve been fine with the breakup lately. It’s over, it happened. I don’t regret that it happened anymore. But that she’s dating someone else already just makes me feel like I was only a distraction for her. She was just wasting her time with me until something better came along.
I’ve never had great self-esteem. And this has sent it plummeting through the floor.
Then, to add insult to injury, today the conversation escalated and she called me a whore. Repeatedly.
And tell me how amazing her new woman is.
There’s nothing about your personality that I like.
It just brings up all these insecurities that I don’t have a good personality. I already feel like people don’t like me. I have zero charisma. But I try so hard to be a good person. And I hope other people can see that, but I wonder so often.
And she’s made me question everything good about myself.
I’m not very good at making friends.
I think it’s because I’m so awkward.
Even when I’m introduced to people, I get this overwhelming sense that they don’t like me. Or they’re ambivalent towards me.
So for whatever reason, I don’t have a lot of friends. Even fewer when I’m home for the summer.
I have no friends withing a 20 mile radius of me right now.
It makes for an incredibly depressing summer.